Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
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7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
My favorite farside!!
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”