[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
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The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.