Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
You Might Also Like
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
fr
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler