Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
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Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.