Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”