Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
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Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Challenge accepted.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff