*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
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So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Bro what is this
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
That 👊
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*