Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die