*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
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Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I’M CRYINGGG
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child