I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
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I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
relationship goals
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..