If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
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I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I’m being attacked 😭
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.