They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
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Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Thinking about Jeff
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.