Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
You Might Also Like
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord