Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
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My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Why are bridges so flammable.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Meow
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
tinder is all about the long game
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.