(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
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me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
sliding into dms like
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
started wrapping my pills in cheese
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.