Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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why I oughta
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can