You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
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goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
rich people when they have to pay taxes
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.