I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
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OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
me and the Superbowl rn
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.