[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
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My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Ha
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE