A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
You Might Also Like
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?