my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
me: my friends:
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair