Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
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“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME