We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
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every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.