Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
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ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick