GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
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7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER