“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
You Might Also Like
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..