Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
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Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum