HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
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Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
oh my god
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich