Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
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[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.