Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
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me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
when you order from DoorDastardly
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.