I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
You Might Also Like
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.