Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
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You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?