All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
You Might Also Like
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog