me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?