It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
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I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
You know…for fall…
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd