What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
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My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Always 🥴
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Good advice.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?