[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
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girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Not my job 😂
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
i prefer mine room temperature.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
“what that mouth do?” complain
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.