I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I occasionally drink every single night.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.