It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.