Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
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Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Jogging
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Good Morning.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.