Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
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Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Breaking news:
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.