My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
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*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods