I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
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Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.