i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
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why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’