Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
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Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists