Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[eulogy]
line?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.