I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
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Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.