A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!