Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
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There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
*lint rolls you awake*
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.