When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
You Might Also Like
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep